Saturday, April 29, 2006

2:09 PM

Dear diary... i m worried... worried about everything.. myself and the frenx around me ... it's like this world is starting to become so deppresed.. like me.. like him.. like everyone... ppl tied down with upcoming exams.. familie problems.. frenx... i dunnoe hwre to start from.. let's start with myself...

as i've mentioned before, wat happens to an igneous rock under tremendous pressure and intense heat?? it becomes a metaphoric rock... wat happens when a 13-going-14 zhonghuarian undergoes a stage of his life where there's tremendous pressure and never ending problems??? he becomes mad... he cries to himself at nite... he becomes an indivisual... he does not socialize... tt's me...

ydae.. i toking on the fone.. conferencing.. then my mum came in and started nagging.. that i everydae tok on the fone. wat the fuck??? is like only on weekdaes i ever tok on the fone lah... then u dun wan me tok then dun wan me sms.... then hu i tok to??? is like i feel so burdened inside.. but i hardly get to share my burdens... oftenly.. i m alwaes the listening ear... at least that's wat i tink... ut often.. nobody ever ask me y i m so stressed...

maybe one person.. now that i tink of it.. ms lau - my geography teacher.. she was the only one hu notices my moody face everydae... and she do ask me if i m okae... and i saed im fine... it's like even a teacher cud sense my misery... i guess maybe them all... my frenzz... they hav their misery too.. too stressed up to tink about others... maybe that's y...

then ydae nite.. my sis also come in my room and tell me that i m incorrigible.. and that i hav communication breakdown wif my familie members... is not that i like to show attitude or juz dun tok at home and juz watch cartoon... it's that i find nothing to tok... now even.. i tink they dun even noe wat's happening in my scool... or that i quit monitor... or i gt second for lit... or that i topped the guys in my chinses class....

so wat u wan me to sae?? it's like ... i dunnoe... families are suddenly so meaningless in my life.. that bulb... that bulb is juz replaces by the bulbs from my frenx... and realli.. i cried last nite.. thinking about all the worries... thinking bout the fun timess... me, liyan, yvonne and kai siang all watching movie.. horror movie.. screaming together.. i miss that fun... it's like me, hanting, allan, xinni and peijie conning... my first conning.. where we had a lot too tok... and it's not juz a one ort two man show where only two ppl tok while the rest listen coz the topic is so foreign to the rest... i miss the times where band was so fun and that yi ching wud joke wif us at times during sectionals... i miss the times where 1307 was strong and sticking together...

all tis juz disspearred suddenly.. juz... vannished... all tis problems started last yr when my mum was kindda flirting wif another person.. then my dad got angry and then the two alwaes quarreled and it's so hard to concentrate on my studies.. every nite... i hear shouts and quarrels from my parents bedroom and it's juz so vexxed... that's one of the reasons y my results drop.... i juz cant concentrate... then normally.. i pour out to liyan.. kai siang... yvonne... but now... we are no longer as close... and when was the last time we were together?? 1 mth?? 2 mths??? i cudnt juz pour out all my worries on the con coz gt my juniors.. they're juz sec 1 and i m a tutor.. a memtor to them.. hu tells them alwaes too relax and nt get tense up... and nt to be sad or watsoever.. i dun wan coz of me then they upset or watsoever...

it's difficult to keep things in my heart... and that's wat a blog diary is for... ppl often get worries and stressed... and i tell them to relax.. to look for me... and they do... their happi now... bt not me... i dun mean that their a nuisance or watsoever... i love to help them with their problems... i m this kindda ppl... helpful... bt i guess noone ever helps me ya???

well... i m taking this opportunity... to tell liyan.. yvonne... and kai sinag... if u realli ever come by my blog... and see this post... i realli hope that we can bring bak the old times... to be able to spend time together... to pour our our worries...

and to those hum i alwaes con wif... that u guys can all tok about a subject that all of us noes bout... not juz tok to urself or watever ya??? u guys are the best... and i guess it's only u guys who shines in my dark dark world... i do hope we will be forever this strong.. and not juz drift away slowly...

well... diary.. there's also one of my fren.. rather my best fren... hanting... he's kinda stressed up... i dunnoe how i shud help.. ppl sae that i too chong my sec 1's... i do agree... but i realized the joy of helping and realli hope to help more... i realli hope that i can find a solution for him..

hanting... i m also taking this opportunity to tell u that u r not alone and that watever i do.. i realli wei ni zhao xiang before i act... when u nid me to tok to or juz to be a listening ear.. i'll be there for u k??? i noe sometimes u mite not like anyone to tok to.. u juz want someone to tok to.. someone hu will juz listen to you only.. someone to share ur burden.. there are many of these ppl out there.. and i m one of them.. dun be sad ler.. k?? u r not going anywhere and if u r stressed coz of the upcoming exams.. i can always help u wif free tuition and all...

ppl sae i m wasting my time.. helping others tuition and all... and worse of all.. for free... i do agree that i m so stupid to help my juniors wif their work.. but i alwaes convince myself.. a fren in nid is a fren indeed... they are in a stage where they juz got promoted to sec 1 and things are different in sec scool... though i do not get anything in return.. it's realli a great joy to help them... i hope they will realli and pray that they will realli try their best to make as much time as possible.. to find time for their studies... and hope that they will come for my last few tuitions.. and realli hope that my tuition will help them wif the 99% of dilligence i asked them to put in.. it'll be disheartening to see their results bad after all the effort i've put in.... i realli do hope that as much effort i hav put in.. they will put in similar effort or even more...

my class is realli not much of a problem now.. at least the girls arent... they become more considerate.. i guess they found out that being a monitor isnt easy and are trying to relieve my burden.. normally.. i hav problem collecting forms and such.. but suddenly.. i've got 92% attendance for handing the cool dismissal form punctually... perhaps it's coz i immplement a $1 fine for those hu dint bring... or maybe coz they realli understand how mouldy a flour can be... mouldy flour... mouldy flour...

i guess this post is realli getting long.. dear diary... thanx for being here for me to express how i feel... i do hope that ppl will add preservatives into the mouldy flour... or do something to the metaphoric rock...

yours faithfully
xXSaMXx

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Saturday, April 29, 2006